NilPerOs

It’s a funny thing belief. I suppose I have cast it out to a larger degree in the last couple of years. I’ve been attempting to escape the rigors of a catholic upbringing (btw, it wasn’t that rigorous) and trying to embrace a puritanical Darwinist atheism. You can probably tell by the insecure language of the last sentence that I’ve had mixed results. It’s seems a reasonable ideal to push for though. But does that mean I’m trying to pursue a belief of non-belief? Wha’? I just made myself queasy with my own bullshit there.

Right, I’ll try and explain a bit better. I have a problem, as do most people I know these days, with organised religion for reasons that are far too wide, varied and numerous to go in to here. Fill in the gaps yourself. Chances are of you’re reading this or anywhere near this website that you feel pretty much the same. I have never read The God Delusion, but that’s not really that unusual. I haven’t read much really. But I did come to the conclusion that it’s not just religion I don’t believe in, it’s also the idea of a God. My grandmother lay on her death bed with an absolute unshakeable certainty that there was nothing whatsoever waiting for her. I was blown away by that. To have such a total belief in there being nothing, to be facing it right there and then, and to know, not to waver from a belief in a total lack of belief. Pretty fucking brave. Pretty amazingly brave.

Why I want that, I can’t really say. I expect that I don’t want to be judged. I’ve never liked being told what to do, always thought I knew better, and I think the impulse to be good in your life should not be on the basis that you’re going to get your just deserts in the end. Heaven, hell, karma, whatever you want to call it. I believe (there’s that word again) that it’s inherent in human nature to be good. People’s circumstances sometimes make the sway from that course, but all things being equal, sound of mind and circumstances, people are good.

So what makes that happen? I’ve had hard times in the last few years. Not really hard, just hard times like normal people have. The temptation to ask God for help is always something I’ve had to suppress at those times. One can’t pursue atheism and then ask for help when the chips are a little down. But it’s hard to shake the habit that was taught to you from an age when you were too young to know any better. I think the mistake that I made was that I also associated spirituality as the same thing. I’m not so sure it is now. It’s possible to believe in humanity, in spirituality and in yourself without having to tie that in to a belief in a God. Isn’t it?

Anyway, I note I’m still writing the word God with a capital G. But I’m trying.